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[theme music] [music playing] what the fuck areyou looking at? son of a bitch. don't fucking look at me. yo. yo, man. you're going to be ok. all right?
it's a new day. come. [sobbing] pull it together,dog, all right? what's up, dog? what are you having? uh, just give me a beer. brand? uh, whatever you'vegot on tap's fine.
[thud] [sighs] ain't that bad, is it? i'm just having a bad day. yo, you see thatguy down there? [whimpering] that guy is having a bad day. well, then, i guess it'sjust the day for bad days. what's your story, dog?
i'm actually thinkingof quitting my job. fucking eh. do it. screw those cheap bastards. you don't even know what i do. doesn't matter. get those assholes offyour back once and for all. you gotta work for yourself. it's the only way to make adecent living in this town
today. you think so? absolutely. you walk out the door,you slap that boss man across his fat face andtell him to kiss your ass. well, that might affectmy severance package. you know what, dog? you look familiar. yeah, have you seen thetelevision show, "the search
for intelligent life?" welcome to this week'sedition of "the search for intelligent life." i'm your host, max harmon. think for a moment. what would an encounterwith alien visitors be like? the following testimonialsfrom people just like you may give us a clue. yeah, i was on my way backfrom my mother in law's house,
when i had to urinate real bad. it was late, and ididn't see no other car, so i parked of theside of the road here, and started urinatingin the grass over there. then three of them came runningacross the field right at me. turned out, they were shriners. but they scared the hellout of me just the same. excuse me, sir,but what would you do if ufos landed on thewhite house lawn tomorrow?
look, i don't knowabout that, but i do know that if i don'tever kick this coke habit, i'm never going to be strongenough to tell my wife that i'm cheating on herwith my secretary, or confess arson fireson the south side. is that thing on? oh, yeah, i was abducted. but you know what? i didn't mind.
i don't know what iwould have done if chuck norris hadn't shown up. i was abducted andtaken aboard a space vessel in the fall of 1988. i don't remembertoo much about it, but i have made arrangements toundergo a session of hypnosis in order to pull thememories from me. hello. i'm doctor reynolds, and thisis my associate dr. mcgee.
we're here today to place thesubject francesca into a state of hypnosis inorder that she can recall memories ofan incident that occurred several years ago. we've interviewed francescaon several occasions before the session, and believeher to be honest on her claim that she was abductedby non-human entities. it appears the subjectis sufficiently under, so let's begin.
francesca, i want youto go back in time. i want to go back approximatelyseven years, to evening of september 18 of 1988. can you do that for us? yes. on the evening ofseptember 18, 1988, somethingextraordinary happened. it will come backto you very quickly. do you remember?
i want you to try torelive that experience. bobby. [groaning] [panting] yes, bobby, yes. hey, hey, francesca,francesca, that's enough. it's ok. listen, listen, wewant you to move ahead a couple days to the 28th.
ok. the 28th, you werewith your boyfriend, walking home from the movies. ok? and then you and your boyfriend,james, had had an argument, and you were walking alone. what happened next? [ticking] lights.
bright lights, all around me. how you feel? dizzy and frightened. hands grabbing me. i-- i can't standup, and i black out. do you remember waking up? table. scared. strange peoplestanding around me.
bright light. and they're holdingthings, like-- like tools. getting back to the 18th. that really wasn't necessary. you were thinkingthe same thing. i certainly was not. oh, you've been lookingfor an opportunity like this ever since shirley left you. doctor, need iremind you, this is a
serious scientific experiment. i will not toleratejuvenile behavior. listen. it was an honest mistake. it looks like an 18 in my notes. well, it's the 28th.learn to write. look at your notes. it looks like the 23rd. [groaning] frank, frank.
i can't believe that shit, dog. i love that show. you're al manac, reporter, huh? investigative journalist. like heraldo and shit. yeah, i guess in some respects. getting all beat upduring interviews. in that respect, yes. now, let's join al manac,one of our star investigators
in the studio witha live report, brought to you in alien vision. i'm in the studiotoday with rich bawler? bowler. how are you doing, mr. bowler? well, you claimed toactually photograph a ufo. so what can you tellus about the incident? well, some friendsof mine and i myself went down to the statepark for a picnic,
and i brought along my camera. and right in themiddle of everything, some really strangethings started happening. scared the shitout of everybody. can we see the photos now? hell yeah. i didn't come down here towipe your [bleep] for you. here's sylvester, andmartha, and pretty boy larry. we were all having a pretty goodtime, 'til larry nearly ruined
the day with his flatulence. i don't know whatthat boy was eating, but it damn nearcleared out the park. ah. here's the homeless guy thatsylvester knifed in the guts. fucking [bleep]. i mean, he's a lot offun and all, sylvester, but he ain't too bright. we all covered for him though.
here's bigfoot. we just got a glimpse of himrunning through the trees. they should have namedit big ass, though. just look at that thing, roy. ass the size of my kitchen. kind of reminds me of a girli used to beat the [bleep] out of. i've been looking at thesephotographs mr. bowler, and uh, i don't seeany resembling a ufo.
i got to build up toit, you [bleeping]. you don't want your viewersto die of shock, do you? i can't just throw this evidenceat them without some sort of [bleep] build up. think of the lawsuits,you ignorant ass. of course. of course, you're right. anyway, here's elvis. the smoothest, coolestsinging son of a [bleep]
who ever walked onthis [bleep] planet. everybody thoughthe was dead, but i found him living high offthe hog up in a birch tree, talking to the [bleep] birdies. and now, the evidenceyou've all been waiting for, an actual photoof an alien craft, four of those little [bleep]space men, just waiting to hop out andscrew us all over. where is it?
it's behind the trees. behind the trees? how are we supposed to seeit if it's behind the trees? who do you thinking you'retalking to, you [bleep]? i don't know-- i oughta breakyour damn neck [bleep]-- follow me down, you'rethinking of calling me a liar. man: houston. houston, we have a problem. houston, are you reading me?
housten: we read you,commander hacker. what is your problem? lyle: this is lyle. commander hacker was just out. he's doing it. he's outside the shuttle doinghis ace-- the space walk. he's trying to-- oh, god. oh, god. houston: commanderlyle, stay calm
and tell us what has happened. lyle: commander hacker, hewas out doing a space walk, and then a ship hit him. it was a big ship. real big. houston: commanderlyle, stay calm. did you say a ship? lyle: a ship. yeah.
a ufo, man. a damn flying saucer. it flew by real close, andhacker's space helmet got caught on the ship's antenna. he's gone, man. i can't believe it. commander schultz and rodriguezare out there too, just-- just shaking their heads. they can't believe it either.
oh, man. houston: hold on,commander lyle. we're bringing insomeone to advise. oh, and while we've got you,lyle, we have some bad news. lyle: what? houston: your car wasstolen last night. lyle: oh, man. what else could go wrong? i can't not believe it.
so you investigate like,alien dudes, and spaceships, and shit. that's one way to put it. damn. dude, that's cool. yo, this dude knowsabout space guys, and flying saucers, and crap. that's another way to put it. that's a bunch of bullshit.
i was in the war, god damn it. [scoffing] yo, what's up with thatnew chick reporter, man. what's her name? the one they broughton this season? [sighs] christy carmichael. the network thought weneeded to add something to boost the ratings,so producers came up with a couple of things.
so then when iwas 11 years old, my mother put me in a littlemiss west dundy contest, and i won first runner-up. i knew from that momentthat i was destined to have a career in show business. man: ok. um, christy, we're in. did you get thecloseup already? man: uh, yeah.got it.
man: ok, and three, two. i'm christy carmichael,and i'm standing here today with george ogden ofogden sky observazen-- oh, darn, i screwed it up. man: three, two. i'm christy carmichael,and i'm standing here today with george ogden of ogden skysystems-- observation systems. ugh.this is hard. and i'm not even blonde anymore.
hi. i'm christy, and i'm standinghere today with george olson of ogden sky-- man: ogden. his name is ogden. oh, shoot. i'm so sorry, mr. olson. sometimes, i get reallyexcited about my work, and my heart just beats so fast.
it gets hard to concentrate. i see what you mean. man: christy, i have an idea. [reporter music] i'm christy. and you are? i'm george. george ogden. and what is it thatyou do, mr. ogden?
i own ogden skyobservation systems. and what is itthat you observe? well, what we do is make skyscanning software that can be used in conjunction with-- ooooh, that sounds technical. you must be very smart. oh, i don't know about that. isn't it true thatyou recently went through a devastating divorce?
what? all right. i want to know one thing. you gotta be straight with me. yeah, what's that? you news guys smokea lot of weed, right? i'm just fucking with you, dog? [laughing] do you? i can't speak foreverybody in the industry,
but as for myself,absolutely not. come on. what about peter jennings? well, he might. all right, look. is this shit for real? like, the show you're on. is it serious? well, the producerstake it seriously.
i take a seriously. but i have to admit, there area few people on the show that think a little differently. after the break, wewill answer the age old question, what doalien visitors do with all that livestock genitalia? so don't go away,we'll be right back, you stupid, gullible fucks. so we'll just edit thatlast part out, shall we?
hey, whatever. it's your show. can i get some mouthwash? just saying those wordsmakes me feel like i've been sucking someone's ass. good one, man. hey. hey, you're fucking fired. and now, it's time for thisweek's celebrity alien report.
uh, yeah. listen, i don't know what youwant from my life, really. but i'm a very busy man. i got things going on. i'm working on mytour and stuff, so i really don't have timeto be interviewed about, uh, aliens. not that i don't believein aliens, because i do believe in aliens.
i just don't have time totalk about it right now. aliens are a very big part ofmy life, as a matter of fact. i have many friendsin los angeles that are of the alien race. uh, there's many differentspecies of aliens. but i don't want to getinto it, because it's all-- it's all too confusing. i mean, there's theones with six fingers, there's the oneswith three heads,
there's the tall, skinnyones, the short, fat ones. everybody knows this. there's michael jackson. so i mean, there's really--there's all different breeds, you know? hello, my name is dr. e.g. nog. i study the ufophenomenon full-time, and it was i whodeveloped the three levels of encounters listed here.
ha. encounter type one,sighting a ufo. encounter type two, physicalevidence left behind by a ufo. and the third type, contactwith alien beings from a ufo. [chuckling] my original list actuallyconsisted of 10 levels of encounters, but thescientific community only adopted the first three. now, this has beena sore spot with me
ever since, because as you cansee, the levels of encounters become increasingly morespecific as you go along. why would they want to encountertype one, a simple sighting, when they could have encountertype five, which is gently rubbing an alien's flesh? and why should physicalevidence be so important, when they could have encountertype six, where an alien walks up to you very nicely,but then smashes you over the head with a board.
huh? and finally, the clincher. encounter type three,contact with alien beings, face-to-face meeting. big deal. it can't hold a candle typenine, where aliens whoop into your neighborhood,and they-- they play the stereo so loud,that nobody can get any sleep. ugh.
i'm sorry. look, write your congressman. tell him you want all the facts. al: hello, i'm al manac. i'm here at the nationalaeronautics and space administration,also known as nasa. i'm here with brian johnson,who's the project leader for the new mars rover program. hello, brian.
brian, i just got to ask. you seem kind of young to bein a such a position of power. yeah, but i won thecontest, so here i am. what contest? you didn't see it? it's the show on foxlast spring, "who wants to be a project leader?" that's where i've seen you? that was for nasa?
i was also on a show called"who wants to be criminal?" but i lost that one. good thing too, becausethe guy who won's doing 10 years in san quentin. so you have no idea whatwe're talking about here? none whatsoever. but i am signed up to do ashow next summer called "who wants to make love to madonna?" and the odds are prettygood, because there's
supposed to be 150 winners. i am just wasting my time here. pretty much. but i did find thisvideo in a drawer. it's pretty crazy. you might want to check it out. [clattering] [whooshing] computer: malfunction.
malfunction. this is patrolman midok. is anyone receiving this signal? i have an emergency situation. please respond. i'm piloting a maxtwo class patrol-- computer, will youshut up, please? anyone out there,please respond. uh, hello?
yes, hello. hello, this is patrolman midokare you receiving my signal? hello? it's patrolman midok. can you respond? [beeping] aaaah. midok: yes. hey!
where are you going? ah, forget it. [warped sound] oh, yes. do you require assistance? are you talking to me? uh, yes uh, towhom am i speaking? finally. this patrolman midok, pilotinga max two class patrol vehicle.
during a random patrolof the outer boarder, my vessel came under attack bythe cartilage people of urass. and i a direct hit. i have computer malfunctions,and my navigation unit is down. [sighs] man. and to whom am i speaking? oh, i'm ozzy jaloppy. and what is it that you do? i'm a night duty person.
emergency navigational control. well, that's what i need. i'm sitting at a locator pulse. can you locate me? uh, sure thing,patrolman midol. midok. mi-dok. sorry, patrolman midok. and which band isyour locator pulse on?
27b. ozzy: really? you know, that's myapartment number. wow. ozzy: i'm not readinganything, patrolman midok. is your pulse rate setfor distances this far? i didn't know i could adjust. i've never had to use it before. ozzy: oh, yes.
well, see, they'revery distance specific. how do i adjust the pulse? your max two emergency manualwill give you instructions for the adjustment. emergency manual? i've got that thing packedaway in the cargo hold. oh. i love cargo holds. my uncle used to keep me in one.
what are you carrying? not much. a few containersof urite minerals and a shipments ofhypherion cave rats. i'm in a hurry. my grandfather was bittenby a hypherion cave rat. he died in two weeks. they're poisonous. wait a minute.
maybe i can accessyour technical manual from technical support. what's your ship's code name? i'm not supposed to giveout that information. well, then, as motheralways used to tell me, i can't help ya. code name, muffin. [snickering] don't say a word.
accessing-- you're in,uh, section 19, right? correct. you're piloting a max two,uh, patrol ship, right? code name, muffin? got it. now, your l beam shouldbe set a five and a half. and your vector shouldbe hovering at 0.002. it's on that setting now. stand by.
oh, ok. here you are. ah, sorry about that. i was looking atthe wrong meter. midok: is there anyone elsethere i could speak to? ozzy: that's a negative, sir. a skeleton crew here. everyone's at colonelconway's promotion party. i'm heading therein a few minutes.
i'm bringing the vegetable dip. robotic voice: takeme to you leader. ozzy: oh, sir, i've gotyour coordinates here. are you listening? hanging on every word. can you hear me ok? yes, your signal's fine. i better boost upthe signal, i think. go ahead, you little bastard.
robotic voice: report to rich. hey, you cut the audio. hey, stupid. you cut the audio. there is no sound. oh, can you believe this? robotic voice: emergency. high levels of radiation. sorry about that,patrolman midok.
i was catching somewicked feedback, and i had to get myselfanother iced tea. now you listen to me. now, you cut off allthe audio signals, and i didn't heara word you said. i just got a sensoralert, and i've got ship out there withthe exact same dimensions as the cartilage shipthat attacked me earlier. now, you get thingstogether down there,
and you get me home. what was that? urass. the cartilage people from urass. yes, sir. maybe i can just point toyour position on a star chart. you can do that? oh, yes, sir. would you like me to do that?
why not? i punch it up here. um, you should have it onyour monitor in a few seconds. do you see it now? no, i don't see it. now, i have something. this is not the star chart. ozzy: now what should beseeing now is system four. do you see system four?
midok: no, no, i don't. ozzy: i must be feedingyou the wrong signal. ozzy: what do you see? midok: i've been from one sideof this galaxy to the other, and i can honestly say that i'venever seen anything like this. ozzy: can you describe it? mm, no. ozzy: i've stopped allvideo transmission, so if you're stillgetting something,
it's coming froma nearby planet. hey, listen, i've gotto get up for a second. i got to get somemore iced tea, ok? [sizzling] midok: high levels of radiation. [coughing] robotic voice: weare under attack. hey, ozzy.ozzy? hey, i've got a shipright on my tail.
are you with me? [barking] it is confirmed. it is the cartilage vesselthat attacked me before. it's signaling me,telling me to-- i'm not sure whatthey're telling me, but it doesn't sound friendly. something has justexited the enemy ship. it's headed in mygeneral direction.
i'm not sure what it is. it's kind of a phallic-shaped. [gurgling] oh, my. [gurgling noises] damn, dude. that sounds freaky. yeah, unfortunately,that film was burned by los angeles gang members.
but with my luck,probably would have turned out to be a fake anyway. yo, you see this dude? he had two heart attacks. this morning. all right that, myfriend, is bad luck. and what about me, huh? you think it's easy for me? working this bar allday, then go out and sell
joints out of my car all night? shit. i just said thatout loud, didn't i? i was shot three fucking times. i don't thinkanybody heard you. anyway, what i'msaying is, everybody strikes out a few times, bro. you know? you just gotta keep swinging.
because one of these days,you're going to hit a home run. hell, i don't know. i heard that shiton oprah last week. but if i was a spacedude with issues, that's the showi'd want to be on. have you ever wonderedabout the size of our galaxy? no? well, it's big. and here to help usunderstand just how big
is noted professor ofagriculture, robert foster. man: cut. is this shit right? let's say you have a pickle. now, this pickle representsour solar system, and the seeds inside the picklerepresent the heavenly bodies in our solar system. now, if all solar systems canbe represented by a pickle, about this size,and our pickle was
in a warehouse inclarksdale, mississippi, then the nearest star witha possible solar system would be located in awater treatment plant just outside of memphis, tennessee. this means our milky way galaxywould require a pickle patch as large as the united states. and we would evenstretch into canada, just short of where mybrother had his car accident. now in this area, there areliterally billions of pickles.
how likely is it that ourpickle is the only pickle that contains a seed with life? you see, it is farmore likely that we live in a pickle patchwith life teeming inside a great many pickles. houston: commanderlyle, are you with us? lyle: where have you guys been? it came back. the ship came back.
it got rodriguez. it also knocked schultzaway from the shuttle and snapped his line. he's just floatingout there, man. he's like-- he's tryingto swim back to the ship. it ain't helping him, though. man, he's lookingstupid out there. houston: commander lyle,professor carl grubels is on his way to the control room.
he is an expert onsunspot activity. lyle: sunspot activity? what's he going to do? i ain't got sunspots, man. i got ufos. houston: he studiesufos in his spare time. well, get him in there, man. houston: commander lyle? lyle: yeah?
houston: we've just beeninformed that professor grubels is stuck in the elevator. i cannot believe it. what are you peopledoing down there? i'm listening to yourwords, but i ain't hearing what you're saying. because if there'sall this evidence, how come the governmentdon't know about it? the governmentdoes know about it.
the government hasthe biggest stockpile of evidence in existence,besides crispin glover. that's not a faircomparison, because the odds are that crispin gloveractually is from another planet. yeah, i'll buy that. this is truly animportant day for all ufo seekers around the globe. i am at-- i can't givethat location out, but i'm at a secret militarybase that has been assigned
the task ofgathering information from every reported encounterwith alien visitors. this operation has beenactive for over 30 years, and is planet wide. overseeing theoperation [inaudible] is major marlon marco. i just have to ask, major marco,why this sudden need to get this information heregathered out to the people? times are changing, son.
i can remember a timewhen alien snot balls kept pretty much themselves. only the occasionalabduction or cattle mutilation to worry about. in the last five years, alienabductions are up nearly 70%. instead of staying up inthe sky where they belong, these booger munchers are tyringto penetrate and manipulate our basic way of life. i'm not having it.
i gonna make availableto you some of the most mucus-moving filmfootage you've ever been exposed to in yourshort, meaningless life. the first film is of an aircrafttaking off of a mountaintop in siberia in 1948. you can see one of them spitsucking aliens real good. i've had a film analyst tellme he's carrying a set of horse testicles, but justbetween you and me, i say it looks morelike pig testicles.
but who am i toargue with experts? [film rolling] hans morrison: thefirst thing we do is examine the filmstock to make sure that it wasavailable in the time that they claim thatthe, uh, film was shot, which in this casewas 1948, i believe. the film stock was quiteavailable at that time, so we don't suspect foul play.
and oh, philip? philip? come up and look at this. look at this. look at these testicles. they're massive. philip, could you-- are thereare anymore of those girl scout cookies, uh, left? check-- ok.
no, no. the thin mints. the thin mints if youhave the thin mints. thank you. now in this shot,we-- no thin mints? i'll tell you, son. what you see inthat film footage, you'll want to wrap yourown guts around a stick. but that's just the beginningof what i've got to show you.
well, major, what are youand the rest of the military prepared to do if thesealiens turn out to be hostile? oh, we know they're hostile,all right, or at the very least, extremely sarcastic. aren't you worried thatour technology may not be a match for them if theyhave a full-fledged invasion against us? cowards like youare the reasons i go to bars and start fights.
i've got another film i'llmake available to you, that'll make you want to rip outyour own kneecaps with pride. it's a prime exampleof human beings rising to the occasion,when adversity flashes its swollen privates. it shows a smallchristmas get-together in 1974 that was nearlydestroyed by an alien invasion. are you developing any kindof, uh, defensive measures? you want to know, in anhonest to goodness attack,
we have firepowerpowerful enough to grab the aliens bytheir scruffy little necks and rub their ugly facesin their own vomit? well, yes. the answer to youquestion is, no, we don't have anything that'll do that. but we are workingon something that will be just as embarrassing. do you mind if iask you what all
the excitement is around here? i'm not sure. but i am sure i havea piece of evidence that will slit your nipples. hans morrison: now whenwe get a film like this, we always assume that isa fake until something proves us otherwise. this-- this film wasshot in the late 1950s, i believe, and it's-- i'veseen several like-- oooh.
philip, look. look, philip, look. we went from-- from largetesticles to no testicles. that's funny, no? no testicles. hey, what's up, dog? hey, man, i need the usual. [laughing] i love this guy.
always hooks me upwith a nice, fat sack of this beautiful kind bud. hey, man. this-- this ain't the usual. does this smell right, man?-how would i know? no. i need the usual stuff, man. man, what is this, man? i need the usual, man.
the good shit. that is the usual plus. oh, yeah. that's what i loveabout this guy, man. he always hooks you up good. the time has comeagain for this week's celebrity alien report. have you ever triedhaving sex with one? forget about it.
they got many different areas. you don't even want tofind out where they belong. it's scary. leave me alone.i got to go. i'm outta here. the light just cameup over these hills. we thought it was ahelicopter at first, but it wasn't very loud. just a low humming sound.
mitch: yeah, helicoptersare usually louder. it wasn't that loud at all, so. michelle: why do youalways have to do that? do what? every time i'm telling astory, you just jump in. well, i'm sorry. just shut up for a minute, andthen you can tell your side. sorry. this is where light came over.
it looked like it wasblocking the road. you can tell it couldn'thave been too big, either. i mean, the trees arepretty close together, dot. we drive down this road abouthalf a dozen times each year, so i remember exactlywhen it happened. it was the nightmitch proposed to me. she said no. we just parked the car andwatched for about 10 minutes. why do you have totell people that?
is it anybody's business? you're a realprick, you know that? [slap] mitch: ah, shit. michelle: i'mwaiting in the car. lyle: houston? come in, houston. houston, for god'ssake, come in. houston: this is houston.
go ahead, commander hacker. i already told you. what the hell isgoing on down there? i told you an hourago, hacker is gone. rodriguez is gone. and they just cameback for schultz. houston: sorry, commander lyle. nobody told me anything. we just had our shit change.
lyle: oooh, man. what is wrong withyou people down there? they're going tocome after me next. where is professor grubels? houston: uh, professorgrubels was just found dead in the elevatornot 20 minutes ago. houston: uh, commander lyle,did you hear about your car? lyle: yeah. houston: they thinkit was your fiance.
someone says they saw her driveoff in it with another guy. lyle: good god. this is the single worstday i have ever had. this is unbelievable. excuse me. um, are yourrestrooms in the back? bartender: straightback, end of the hall. bartender: don't mention it. and there are no videocameras in the heating vents.
nothing. hey, have you everdone a story on roswell? roswell, new mexico? yeah, you knowwhere that spaceship crashed, like in 1947. you ever been there? sort of. god, nobody's going tobelieve this is new mexico. now, wasn't that fantastic?
and now this. [squishing noise] oh, are we ready? see, me and ralph wasfishing at this lake when a small craft, aboutthe size of my mobile home, came up over themtree tops over there. this beam of lightflashed out of it. it was-- it was reallysomething to see. it was real sudden, like.
these two spacemen-- and i knewthat's what they was, they were spacemen-- they came runningup, and they grabbed ralph, and they dragged himoff into that clearing. then that light hit themagain, and they was gone. i'll tell you what, man,they startled me so bad, i almost left. but i stuck with it. caught me a few more fish. nothing worth keeping, really.
so i was packing up, gettingready to go, when i heard this loud clap of thunder. looked up. i saw ralph fallingthrough them trees, hitting every branch,all the way down. he had a bad cut on his cheek,and his wrist was broke. he was shook up, but overallin pretty good shape. we ate at danny's. me and ralph washunting squirrels
in this general area, when weheard this great rush of air. and we looked upand saw that ship. it was the same onewe ran into before. a white flash oflight came out of it. ralph just startedrunning for the jeep. these two space guys appearedright in front of him and wrestled him to the ground. tell you what, it scared meso bad, i just sit right down and have me a beerright there on the spot.
i got pretty luckyafter that, though. caught me six more squirrels. then i heard this funnylittle ringing sound. i wasn't quite surewhat it was at first. it just turned out tobe somebody's pet cat. had a little bell on itscollar, so i shot it too. then i heard thatthunderclap again, and ralph hit the ground. he had a concussion, anda dislocated shoulder.
nothing too serious. so we pitched camp, andate a few of the squirrels. in a moment of confusion,ralph ate the cat. something's nibbling on my butt. me and ralph was onthis weekend hiking tip. you know, throwing rocksat campers, and whatnot, and we saw that same ship comeup over them bluffs over there. ralph just started cussingand heading off down the path, when this big space guyappeared in front of him
and clothes linedhim, right there at the bottom of the hill. took him down real quick. . i was pretty usedto it by now, so i just built me a little cookingfire and broke out the spam. i had ate me about acan and a half of spam when i heard thatclap of thunder, so i looked up andaround, to see where ralph would hit the ground at.
saw him coming downthose bluffs over there. his jaw and legs was broke,and i was pretty sure he had some internal injuries. so i finished up myother can of spam, and took him straightto the emergency room. he pulled through, though. he's a real trooper. i don't know what's gotteninto him lately, though. he just don't seem towant to do anything.
you guys mightwant to be careful. you're standingpoison oak there. my first sexual experience. i was 12 years old. shawnee pines youth camp. ruthann was 14. vacuum cleaner was brand new. what the hell areyou talking about? oh, shit.
excuse me, um, i don'twant to alarm anybody, but there's a guylaying in the hall. you might want to call 911. i mean, he's not even breathing. oh, thanks. [laughing] yeah, right. [heels clattering] yep, this is where wekeep him, mr. minnack. down here in the deepest,darkest pit of this facility.
we have to. otherwise, he'd incite ariot with his wild stories. yeah, this guy iscrazy as a-- uh, what? crazy as? yeah, he's crazyas a-- uh, uh-- is he dangerous? dangerous? this guy wants to knowif he's dangerous. you want to know ifhe's is dangerous?
no, not really. he's just crazy as shit. i mean, you know,he's really crazy. yeah, he talks alot of crazy shit. crazy shit. but i guess youalready knew that, or else you wouldn't be here. well, my boss wants thestory right from his lips. oh, you'll get astory all right.
yeah, a crazy story. crazy. crazy, man, that's crazy shit. can we just go down now? is that all right? rodney, you got a visitor. get the hell out of here, man. get that damn lightout of my face, man. don't be like that, rodney.
this guy came along way to see you. come on, we ever broughtyou something to wear. get out of herewith that shit, you honkey dick-billy peck of wood. is that thing necessary? but it's a lot of fun. let-- let me go. let me go. calm down, rodney.
god. this reporter just wantsto ask you a few questions. reporter. why didn't you say so? so you are a reporter. from where? al manac, from thetelevision show "the search oh-- oh, man. that show sucks.
yeah, it does. but i really want to hear yourstory, from your own lips, in your own words. what do i get? you get to be on the show. i told you, that show sucks. um, how about apack of cigarettes? deal. what do you wantto know, white boy?
i want to hear your story. i was hitching a rideacross mississippi and some aliens attacked me. but i got away. that's it? what the fuck? do you think you were goingto turn it into a musical? that's what happened! easy, rodney.
di-- did he say you weregoing to be on the show? then shut the fuck up, cracker. so what do thesealiens look like? hard to explain. uh, they were quite horrible. i can draw them, ifthe dukes of hazzard here will let me outof this damn thing. last time i did that, youpunched me in the nuts. and you deservedit too, honkey.
i can draw it with my teeth. there's no end to ablack man's talents. give me some paper, white boy. [music playing in background] you're that guyfrom that alien show. yeah, i'm afraid so. you do a good job. i do? but the show blows.
i'm elana hoffman. al manac. you're with that program. mm, ah, nation view news. how's that going for you? well, it's running aroundlooking for flying dinner plates, i'll tell you that. oh, no offense. your show is just entertainment.
barely. nation view news investigatescontemporary moral issues with hard-hittinginvestigative journalism and a rigorous zealfor fact-finding. that's quite a pitch. who am i kidding? that's a super-sizedload of bullshit. look, i'm just a working girltrying to advance in my field. i do what i have to do ina male-dominated industry.
but if i have to sleep withone more executive just to get a decent payraise, i'm gonna shoot some limp-dick bastard. is anyone working here or what? yeah, he's in the back. i think some guy mighthave died back there. good. so. why don't you tellyour producers
that you want to stop chasingthese fictional stories and do something with real bite? you've gotta grow up sometime. what about women's issues? do you have an opinion on that? well, there was this one time. uh, this is a reallyunusual situation for me. i've never interviewedlike this before. um, i can't seem tofind my questions.
but regarding lifein outer space-- shut up. [all cheering] do you know who we are? who are we girls? women for worlds united. that's right. and we didn't come down hereto be interrogated by no man. i thought youasked me down here.
do you want to know whatwomen for worlds united thinks about contactwith alien visitors? women for worlds united thinkthere will be no contact as long as the dim-witted,warmongering males of this planet are inpositions of power. and you-- are you asking me? but-- tear him up, sister.
any self-respectingalien with any wisdom whatsoever would look down onthis planet and say this sucks. any clear-thinking alienwith an ounce of intelligence would behold ourplanet and wonder, how had these mindless humanmales survived this long. any destiny-minded alienwith any hope for the future of the universeshould come down here right now and blast you meninto little, charred fragments. thanks for yourtime, i gotta run.
if you can't take the heat,get back in the kitchen where you kept usso long you bastard. damn, that's a good story. i thought you mighthave liked that one. well, i don'thave time to wait. i have to give ablowjob in an hour. i need some extra vacation days. if you ever get tiredof watching the skies, why don't you come onover to nation view news.
we keep track of the world,so you won't have to. god, i hate my life. jesus. hey, honey. how you doing tonight? did she just deck that dude? yep. weird. so can i get you another?
no, no, that's ok. hey, is that guy ok back there? oh, marty? he's usually only deadfor a few seconds. he'll be back. so listen, i've been thinking. i'm good with people, right? i ask good questions, right? sure, yeah.
all right, now listen. i believe in thisalien shit, dawg. so why don't i try todo what you're doing? you're just whatthe show needs. hell yeah, dawg. i knew it.yeah. so you can put in agood word for me, right? as many words as you need. fuckin' a, dude.
all right, so tell me aboutthe people you work with. oh, do i have to? albert. can i have a word with you? actually, larry, i'm workingon this midget transvestite crop circle thing, and i reallydon't have the time. i've got to go. ah, nonsense. it'll only take a minute.
albert, i'd like youto meet dick skyward. mr. skyward. oh, please call me dick. i'm sure i will. larry, what's this all about? albert, have a seat. albert, dick is a new employee. he's also a psychic. i think he might be able tohelp out on your investigations.
whoa, whoa, larry. no offense-- to you-- buti've also worked alone, and i just don'tbelieve in psychics. horse crap. i've seen dick in action. he's the real deal. and i asked around,and i was repeatedly told that if i wantedresults, i would only be happy with dick skyward.
i can read a person's thoughts,given enough time and money. and that's why he needsto be out there with you. so he can tell if peopleare telling the truth or lying to your face. immediately. if someone's lying toyou, then i'll know it. and then bam! bam? bam.
what the hell is bam? well it's, you know, uh,uh, bam, they're lying. and then what, we don'tlet them on the show? of course we do. i mean if i took allthe liars off the show, i'd have nothing butan hour of max harmon. ooh. hello, and welcome to"the max harmon hour." today i'm going to share withyou one of my favorite hobbies,
the ancient art of origami. now origami is a lot of fun,and a great stress reliever. today i'm going to showyou a quick example that you can try at home. now you take an8.5x11 sheet of paper. there are all kinds of animalsthat you can make with origami. you can make an elephant,a horse, a kumquat. but today, i'm going to sharewith you one of my favorites. the bird.
actually, i mayhave something there. maybe for showtime. i just don't see the point. albert, i'm gonnalevel with you. the quality of yourwork is slipping. slipping. your material's suffering. i'm the only who caresabout the damn material. yes what?
i want you to take dickout in the field with you, show him the ropes. take dick in hand. i-- i don't want to. i do want you to. -yes.-no! yes! wait! i'm sensing something.
what is it? tension. eh? did i tell you? he's amazing. that'll be 50 bucks. are you a believer now, albert? oh yeah, i believe. i believe i'll leave.
i will have my way on this one. now you're angry. damn boy, you'regoing to clean me out. excuse me, max. al. i'm glad you ran into me. what-- what is this-- this shitthat you're giving me to air? i'm really notin the mood, max. oh, oh, oh you're not, huh?
well, let me tellyou the kind of mood that i'm in when i have toair some of these segments. i feel like i'm outthere, in the breeze, swinging like amonkey's nutsack. i don't know if it'sgonna work or it's gonna be a completedisappointment, like last night's hooker. you should writechildren's books. shut the fuck up.
i know you havesome, some little bit of control over these stories. what are you working on now? actually i'm working on thismidget transvestite who found some crop circles down south. that's pretty good. i like that. let's go with it. you're max harmon--
now, let's visitthe ufo research laboratory in houston, texas. golly, what fun. welcome. my name is electricsammy, director of the ufo research laboratory. our job here is to collectphysical evidence left behind by alien visitation. this jacket wasworn by a man who
was abducted andactually taken on board an alien ship in march of 1984. fascinating. this wallet was found ina heavily-forested area in indiana. you can see the slight burnmarks on the one side here. we feel the ownerwas incinerated by alien weapons of some kind. and to show just how cleverthese non-human intelligences
can be, they removedall identification. this is a tape recorder thatactually captured the sounds of an alien craft landing ina wheat field in southern ohio earlier this year. the tape, however,was never found. we feel there may have beensome alien intervention there, as well. i am in hell. is-- is this hell?
is that what this is? i just want to knowwhere i am, that's all, 'cause-- no, thisis definitely hell. i gotta tell you,dude, this has been the mostinteresting day i've had since i got my nipples pierced. only with less itching. i-- honestly don't knowwhat to say about that. hey, man, i'm gonna use thecan before i start my shift.
sure thing. watch out for marty back there. is he dead again? all right, it's5 o'clock, dude. time for me to hit the streets. you got a card or something? yeah, sure. all right, i'mgonna call you, dude. me and you.
we're gonna be ahell of a team, dawg. hell is the word for it. mm. you rock, bro. thank you for thecoffee, colonel fleeton. no, not at all. are you nervous? a little. i-- i haven't talkedabout this before.
we don't go live very often. i'm a little nervous,but i think i'll be ok. ok, we're set to go live fora "search for intelligent life" special report in five,four, three, two-- colonel fleeton, mayi call you timmothy? that's fine. or do you prefer just timm? no, no, timmothy. i didn't know sincetimmothy sounds, you know,
a little feminine. so timmothy, you are a formerofficer for our air force. not our air force, but you know,the united states air force. yes, i served from1965 until 1980-- that's so cool. my mom always said that airforce guys made great lovers because they reallyknew how to use the stick between their legs. do you think that is true?
i can't say. so, colonel fleeton. you say that on numerousoccasions while flying around or whatever, you sawsome of those um-- what do you call them-- ufo things? yes, i was witness toseveral strange occurrences that i made full reports of. later, the governmentclassified those documents, and they have untilthis very day--
this is really good coffee. did you make it? oh, darn. i spilled. i can keep going. let me just get this off. so colonel fleeton, what doyou think these objects are? well, my uh-- mybreast guess is that they're foreign in nature.
oh, did i spill on that, too? let me just slip this off. please, continue. well um, when iquestioned my supervisors, i received a reprimand thatnearly killed my career. it went-- cut. ok, we're out. what the hell?
thank you for yourtime, colonel fleeton. thank god. ooh, it's cold in here. thank you, christy, forthat wonderful report. now let's check in with almanac live in the field. al? commander lyle,are you reading me? shh, shh, shh.quiet. they're back.
say again, commander lyle. say again? be quiet. they're right outside. stop transmitting. you're coming in veryfaint, commander lyle. shh, shh, shh, shh! stop transmitting! they're listening for me!
say again, commander lyle? oh, god, here they come. oh, you really didit now, you jackass. yeah, here they come. there's hacker's helmet. oh, god, what a day. what a day. doh! i got a swollen prostate.
no problem. the hell it ain't! look, i know who you are. and i got something to tell you. hey listen, i had a long day. i gotta get outta here. i gotta go back to my office. i've been abducted by aliens. i see.
they're mean-ass bastards. well, there have been reports. and now i'm gonnatell you all about it. don't feel you haveto if it's private. i never told anybody. but i'm gonna tellyou now, 'cause you're the one who'll believe me. i am? you are.
it all started ina public toilet in grand central station. the gray bastards ambushedme at the third stall. not the green ones,the gray ones. they're the mean ones! they implanted thisright in my ass cheek. i woulda neverknow it was there, but brian noticed it when wewere-- well, what do you think? you may have something here.
you think it's a beacon? so that they can callme back for more tests? ah, the dirtybastards, i knew it! do you mind if i keep this? it's yours. oh! [breathing heavily] i'll be-- i'll beback in a minute. i'm-- i'm havingsome chest pains.
commander lyle. commander lyle, are you there? we have dr. nathangarvey on his way over. he's the world'sforemost authority on north american wildlife. commander lyle,are you reading us? you look very familiar. ah, shit. what'd i say?
[alien sounds] good god, no!
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