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[clicking sounds] [projector clattering] [percussive music] ♪ ♪ captioning provided byscreen media ventures, llc. [bell dings] [footsteps approaching] i'm not even interestedin sex anymore. no, i'm serious.
if that woman cameover here right now, ripped off her pants,straddled me, and started grindinglike i was a rodeo bronco, i think i might vomit. i'd tryfor the sake of science, but it wouldn't beenjoyable. (woman)just one more minute! just one more minute! hi, this iswhitney ann barnsley.
nope, i mumbledthe middle. let's do that again. arnsley.arnsley. i sound consciousof my name. it's just not comfortable. it wasn't alwaysthis way, of course. during my early adolescence,anything could excite me: a gentle breeze,a coffee commercial, even the sight of a single hairon the floor,
and i'd think it once belongedto a vagina, and i would be uselessfor the rest of the day. i sound so nasal. arr--arr. barnsley.baarnsley. i had a deviated septumwhen i was younger. just a smallcorrective surgery. anyway, the last thingi'll say on the subject without trulyrepulsing everyone is
that when i look backon my adolescence, i am absolutely amazed my penissurvived it intact. it's an incredibly-- durable piece of equipment. you'll have to excuseall the boxes. i haven't had a chance yetto settle. things have been a bit hecticsince i left philadelphia. oh, but i lovedphilly. loved it.
all thoserefined gentlemen jamming their privatesagainst my hip on the bus. sometimes if you hit a bump,they'd moan. charming. anyway, i'm readyfor a fresh start in new york. i've got a new job working asa reporter for the local news. i love reporting. it's notabout narcissism. it's about--oh, my god!
look how cutei was! that's mewith jason spitzer, captain of the football team. he was my first. i know it's so cliche: pretty blondeand football captain. makes me sick to thinkhow perfect it all was. [kissing sounds] [electronic music]
honey, i'm ready. are you sure? can't we just, like,dry hump or something? no, baby. it's time. um, can you put onthe uniform? again? honey, you know,it helps me get in the mood. okay.
(jason)blue 32! down! set! hut one!hut two! i love you, baby. (jason)i love you too.hike! [groaning] i was 15 when i had my first realsexual experience. thank youvery much.
fine, i was 16, but that's just 'causei was old for my class. i was with gina vosolain her parents' bedroom. (gina)okay, first of all, what would i getout of sleeping with you? [owl hooting] i don't know. i mean, look,what would you like? well, you gotnothing i want.
[sighing] but don't take itpersonally. i mean,you're a nice guy. oh, look, gina, i'd give you anything--seriously, anything. um, i could give youmy undying love. hey. that'sa nice watch. oh, thanks.my mom gave it to me.
i haven't seen herin six years. it was my granddad's. he was a heroin the war. he diedbefore i ever met him. it's the only thingi've got that really kind ofconnects me to my mom's sideof the family. [ticking] [ticking and hootingcontinues]
ding! keeps great time. done. [pulsing techno music] deeper. deeper! okay, you know what?could you stop saying that? there is no deeper;this is all there is. it's not like i've gotan extra inch and a half
that i'm saving upfor a rainy day. this is the penisgod gave me, so could we justmake the best of it? okay, yeah,i know. i was just gettingin the mood a little. oh, okay. but you know what? i think it's safe to saythat the mood is over. i'm sure your grandfatherwould be very proud.
i guess david was really the only onei thought could be forever. the only one i truly thoughtwas, like, the one. [chuckling] we were engaged. registered at bloomingdale's. and then one day, he was tragicallyrun over by a bus. he didn't die immediately.
i'm sorry. i was out of townvisiting family the day it happened. the busjust flattened him. he was still alive when his legs were floppingaround beneath the bus, and these sewer rats emerged and started nibblingon his intestines. just ate him whole.
shh. it was very sad. huh. anyway,because of this tragedy, i'm just no longerattracted to men. i have no interest in havingrelations or relationships for a very long, long time. [giggling] that's not mine.
it was a gift. well, it was a littlegoing-away gift. i can't even believei brought that with me. listen,you must believe me. i mean, i don't want yougetting the wrong image, like i'm some kindof masturbator. i mean, i could get laidin five minutes if i wanted to. i'd never useanything like this. never.
i live alonewith my father. it's obviously nota bachelor pad. i thinkbetween the two of us, we haven't been laidin 17 1/2 years. me for six months, and him for the restof the time since mom left. he used to travel a lotplaying the road. now he just stays in the areaplaying a few places.
night after night,same songs over and over. i think it'ssafe to say dad's basicallygiven up on life. zap! [crackling] let me ask youa question. wouldn't you knowpretty quickly if you found somebodyattractive? i mean, it doesn't take muchto decide, right?
i mean, there isthat initial spark. so here's my question: how could you date somebodyfor six months-- six months-- and throughall those dinners and long walksand movies and that time she took your handand put it on her thigh when you were having dinnerwith her parents, and she was wearingthat garter belt--
and then one day to discoverfor all this time one small detailwent unspoken. i'm just notattracted to you. i don't thinki've ever been. when we firststarted dating, i thoughtit would pass, but it's justgotten worse. i don't knowwhat it is. who can tell aboutthese things, you know?
maybe it's your nose or the hair at the baseof your back or your breathin the morning or that retarded lookyou get on your face when you're aboutto reach orgasm-- when your head shakesand your eyes squint and you look likean epileptic. [gulping] oh...
so that's whyi've given up. it's not even directly relatedto her, although that wasa rather large ego blow. i-i just can'tdo it anymore. i mean, all the small talkand the courtship when you knowit's going to end. who has the energy? look,at the end of the day, at least i can sayi never cheated on anyone.
i've alsonever been in love, so i guess i havea zero batting average. hell, i don't evenmasturbate anymore. well, i didn't mean itliterally. of course, i masturbate,but i don't enjoy it. it's like i'm raping myself. look, if we're going to haveany kind of relationship, it is importantthat we are honest. i wouldn'tcall myself picky.
i just knowwhat i want in a man. he hasto be professional. he'd be someoneon the fast track who's driven to successbut not obsessed by it, charming as he is graceful-- [glass shattering] brave yet gentle-- [gagging] (whitney)someone who canhold your head up,
who isn't going to leave when the waters geta little rocky. a real 1950s chivalric man. he should immerse himselfin art. eat right. not vain, but he should beconscious of his appearance. he could nevercheat on me. but most of all, i just want someonewho can hold me in his arms
and make me feel safe... so i can sleepwith both eyes shut. it's not too muchto ask. [exhales] [sirens wailing] [knocking "shave and a haircut"] hi. angelad'amorlini. i livedown the hall.
you can call me dee. i just thought i'd pop by,say hi. i'm sorry;i'm still half-asleep. i'm whitney. holy shit. wow. what'd you have to doto the landlord for this place, 'cause i knowwhat i did to him. my place sucks.
[chuckling hesitantly] can i offer yousomething to drink? some coffeeor juice? no. hey, you mindif i smoke in here? not at all. help yourself. [strained voice]want some? uh, no.
thanks. [exhaling] oh, is this cool? no, no, no,do whatever you want. it's--it's just that it'sthe middle of the day, and i still haveall this unpacking to do. i have to get up earlyand meet my new boss. i think i need every brain celli can spare right now, you know?
sure. mm, where'sthe bathroom? through that door. you hold thisfor a sec? this is unbelievable. i mean, where do i findthese people? [sniffing] do you believethis woman? [snorting]
oh, look how prettymy garden is. [inhaling deeply] [squeakingand coughing] [strained voice]no, no,you missed the tree. [flushing] hey, wantto order pizza? yeah. ooh. [coughing]
(man)so i got this visit last nightfrom old melanie lyknan. oh, thanks. she wants meto stay over. i want to leave. i'm fumblingthrough some excuse, when bam--it just hits me. what does? my one momentof pure genius. eurekain the bathtub.
never mind. so anyway,i told her that the firstseven years of my life, i lived in an incubated roomas a bubble boy. a bubble boy? and the genius is? because of this isolationi experienced, i have enormous difficultywith intimacy, so i can't stay over.
i can't believeanybody bought that. what's not to buy? she askedfor details. i just said,"look, i'm sorry. i'm just really not comfortabletalking about this." well, at leastyour relationship will be basedon honesty. well, yeah. oh, you know, yeah.
good luck getting laidwith honesty. hi, my name is jimmy. i'm 27 years old. i live with my father. i wait tables. oughta have 'embanging down the door. hey, thanks, but there's a few missing piecesin that biography. i was publishedtwice last year.
that's right,the short story anthology. that paid, what,2,500 bucks? look, jimmy,don't get depressed. you're a great guy. you're just notwhat they want. look at me. 27 years old,work as a painter, live with my grandmother,i'm balding, all right. i stopped believinglife was a fairy talea long time ago.
i'll tell you something. i haven't feltlonely since. [bubbling noises] (robert bradley'sblackwater surprise)♪ she said, "hey, boy, ♪ ♪ why don't you get on in?" ♪ (dee)so how longhas it been? not long. i don't evenmiss it really. how long?
eight and a half months. i couldn't last. i'm serious. you'd have to lock me up. i get like a rabid dogafter about three months. well, i hada traumatic experience-- a tragic death. anyway, you forget it even existsafter the first few months.
♪ maybe you canstay here tonight. ♪ ♪ honey, let meask you a question. i don't want to offend you,but i think we're past that now. would you ever considersome professional help? i already havea shrink. and don't worry:i'm only slightly offended. i don't mean a shrink. i meana professional lover. excuse me?
no, no, no. before you go gettingall freaked out, let me explain. you area very pretty girl and in a million yearswould never have to pay. i'm sure you could walkinto any bar, and in five minutes walk out with a guy who'll wantto sleep with you. i appreciate that,but really, i'm not-- let me finish.
there aremany problems with this scenarioof picking up a guy. he could be unclean. he could be unsafe. he could havean instrument issue. he could bea bad lover. he could wantto spend the night. with my way,there are no strings attached. the guys are clean.
they're all tested. he will behandsome. he will bediscreet. he will be,without a doubt, the most attentive loveryou have ever had. honey, i could thinkof a lot worse ways to blow 300 bucks. $300? there's a bar in soho.
they all hang out there. you could take your pick. don't look at melike that. i felt the same wayyou do. uck. you're repulsed,right? nice girls don't dothis sort of thing. next you'll tell me nice girlsdon't get horny either. that's it.
i'm writing itdown for you. thank you, but i am reallynot interested. my life hasn't gottenthat low yet. oh, honey. look, i'm sure mr. rightis going to arrive any day now, but just in casehe doesn't, there area lot worse ways to spenda lonely night than having empty, shameful,and absolutely incredible sex.
[dance music] where the hell am i? i can't believei'm going to be late for my first day of work. [popping lips]real professional. oh, my god. [gasping] [tires screeching] [liquid sloshing]
excuse me!hello! you just spilledmy coffee. (whitney)sorry. where's the brooklyn bridge? the brooklyn bridge? um, that's the extentof your apology? i am so sorry. please, if there's anythingi can do. no, that's okay,but thanks for asking.
[exasperated sigh]the bridge. yeah, you see that big,steel structure behind you? so you need to make a left,but you can't here, so you should probably goup two blocks, and take that left there. [horns honking] [tires squealing] [engine accelerating] you can'ttake a left there.
[tires screeching] [horns honking] (man)what the hellis your problem? [horn blarescontinuously] looks like you're jumpingright into the fire. i'd usually never have youcover a story on your first day. well, a few days to orientmyself would really help. (man)i know it'slast-minute, but it's sunday, and i reallyneed this interview.
this is phil. he'll beyour cameraman. say hello, phil. [with mouth full]hi. [snaps] any questions? yeah, who'sthe subject? phil will brief youon the way. listen, it doesn't haveto be prizeworthy.
just get us somethingwe can use. that's my girl. so what'sthe story here? just anotherbullshit politician suckingthe mayor's dick. really? crazy world. just ask himif he denies the charges, we'll get our bite,and that's it.
oh, all right. you only getone shot at this. so useyour charm. here we go. excuse me, sir.may i have a word? please, sir.thank you. thank you. okay.um, sorry. okay--um.
[exhaling loudly] this iswhitney ann barnsley here with city councilmanrahid famagura. famaguna. sorry.so it's "goon"? rahid famagura. famaguna? whatever.let's go again, phil. here with city councilmanrahid famaguma--guna.
it's nervous laughter. here we go.last time. mr. famaguna, did you, sir,confirm or deny charges of having sexual relationswith the mayor? i thoughtthat you said that-- he's being chargedwith tax evasion. i didn't meanhe literally-- suckedthe man's dick.
did you, sir,evade the tax laws? cock.asswipe. bitch. shithead. fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck! can we use that? [horn blaring] (man)stu, stu, like, i'm onlyflying first class. wait, wait,i gotta--jimmy?
i'll talkto you later. jimmy, is that you? hey, todd,how are you? hey, hey! [laughing] great, man.great. honey,this is jimmy. we got our masterof creative writing together. god, so whatare you up to?
you know,just working away. short stories mostly. i got a piece coming outin paris review next month. great, keeping it real.very cool. how 'bout you? what are you doing? me? oh, you know,live in l.a. got this tv showi'm doing.
true youth-- have you seen it? hmm, no, sorry. real cutting edge. none of thisbrady bunch bullshit we grew up with. you know,in the last episode, we had this--the lead-- she smokes grass,hangs out, and stuff. whoa, man.
so she just lights upand has a blast. no, she realizesshe's done terrible things. she gets therapy. right. sorry.good for you. hey, why don't youjoin us, huh? jimmy, you're late.punch in. oh,i didn't realize. i am so sorry.
[clears throat]sorry. [whimpering] [siren wailing] [muted dance music] (woman)♪ i see you, baby. ♪ ♪ shaking that ass. ♪ ♪ i see you, baby, ♪ ♪ all right,don't touch me. ♪ what can i getfor you, sweetie?
um, i'll havea glass of chardonnay. no, wait. better make ittequila. relax, honey. this one'son the house. oh, thank you. please don't lookat me. ♪ all right,don't touch me. ♪ ♪ [gacking]
a few years ago, i was workingat another restaurant when a call came. i was being publishedby esquire. this was it--the big time: awards, film offers which,of course, i'd politely decline. maybe a small, tasteful padin the foothills of tuscany. so i go over to this jerkon table 19 who'd been torturing meall night,
and i spill a reasonably nice'92 barolo in his lap. and then he calls mea fuckhead, so then i grab his hairpieceand run out of the restaurant. it was one of those greatdramatic moments that i was going to talk aboutin interviews. they don't pay very wellfor short stories. i need a drink. [slow tempo techno music] can i get a double dewar'son the rocks, please?
you look familiar. please don't tryany of that. look, i'm not evensupposed to be here. oh, no--from this morning. brooklyn bridge. oh, right. [inhaling deeply] [clears throat] you mind?
you don't want any? any what? peanuts. no, i don't wantany peanuts! i shouldn't be here. you know, it's noneof my business, but you seema bit agitated, a little tense. i've always found
that it's easier to work outproblems with strangers, because they're objective and they're focusedon helping you. i may not look it, but i am actuallyvery good at this. it's $300? what is? to leave here? the two of us--it's $300.
hmm. oh. well? uh, i'm thinking. what is thereto think about? is there something wrongwith that price? oh, no, no, no,it seems very reasonable. it's--it's just-- okay, wh-wh-wh-what the hell.
what do youwant me to do? um, i don't know. just the standard thing,i guess. fine. uh, okay,where to? what do you meanyou don't know? you don't havea place? well,i have a place, but we're not goingback there.
why not? [snoring loudly] [weeping] i don't thinkthat's such a good idea. what about your place? oh, i don't think so. [heavy metal music] [whitney growling] [whip cracking]
oh, no, definitelynot my place. this is ridiculous. what do you wantto do? i don't know.give me a sec. (whitney)wait a second!ow! shit! (jimmy)okay, move your leg. [thumping] (whitney)ow!was that you? (jimmy)no, that wasthe seat belt.
okay, look, can you just stopmoving around so much? it keeps falling out. okay, wait!don't move. [creaking and thumping] [whitney coughing] (whitney)that's it? [indignantly]that's it? are you kidding? get out!
seriously! get out! [yelping] if you think any moneyis changing hands for that, you're crazy. [engine starting] a hooker wouldn'ttake money from me. [melancholy jazz music] (woman)do you love me, jimmy?
hmm? do you love me? [shushing] [whispering]go back to sleep. what do you mean"go back to sleep"? is that how you act during the most intimate momentof our relationship? [scoffs] look, you caught meoff guard.
just give mea second. well, you know, you shouldn't haveto think about this. this should beautomatic. you want meto say yes even if i'm not sure? i mean, what happensif i'm wrong? why would yoube wrong? i mean, look,who knows these things?
maybe i'll just wake up in the middleof the night one night and realizethat i don't love you. or maybe we'llbe having coffee, and you'll start--thank you-- making that noiseyou make when you itchyour throat. what? you know,that irritating--
[throat clicking] that? aww, just horrible. the point is-- look, once i say yes,then i'm in, and i am in for good. and look, that meansall of you. every last detail,you know? even your breathin the morning
and your indifference to the short fictionof bernard malamud and that horrible,horrible noise. well, wait,what's going on? you're insane! where are you going? you know, i don't evenwant you to love me. oh, oh, come--come on. c-c-c-can't we justjust come back to bed?
oh! i can't believei wasted two months on a waiterwith no future. loser! come on, kate! another one gone. [door slamming] if i had said the word "yes"two minutes ago, we would have beenin love.
now i'm a loser. (whitney)you don't thinkit's too long? any shorter and your nosewill look too big. as it is, you should probablyget it done. do you want the nameof a fabulous doctor? thank you, alex. any other tips? yeah, bleach that. [clicking]
makes me not evenwant to work out anymore. it's so fucking creepy. listen, i'm nothomophobic. no, of course not. i'm not. i just--i don't likeall the-- gays looking at mein the mirror, okay? you know how uncomfortablethat makes me? it's like i'm somepiece of meat.
i don'tbelieve this. this kidshould be in jail. gentlemen--and i use this term loosely-- this is jamey. with a "y." jimmy. eddie-- with an accent over the "i"and a silent "e" at the end. pleasure.
where'sthe bathroom? uh, it's backthat way. thanks.be right back, 'kay? 'kay. so you guysate already or-- i'm speechless. leo, how oldis that child? she's 16,and don't call her a child. when you were 16,were you a child?
i'm 28, and i am still a fucking child, but i try to date adultsso i don't get arrested. listen. i like this girl. yes, she's a little young,but you know what? it doesn't bother me,and it doesn't bother her. leo, she is 16. she's not some innocent little18-year-old college freshman. she is 16.
it's noteven legal. you know what? don't give methat crap, all right? how can you putan age limit on love? honey, i wantgrilled cheese. do you wantto share a milk shake? vanilla? chocolate. mm-'kay.
[ringing] hello. dee, get over here. he's going to be herein ten minutes, and i ama complete mess. i can't findmy other shoe anywhere. i'm not sureif it's a date; he's my boss. because he'sreally cute.
dee, this couldbe the one. now, just getover here. [phone slamming] [knocking] oh, thank god,dee. sorry i'm a little--early. just a second,okay? (woman)excuse me. excuse me!
could we havea little more breadover here, please? one minute. you don'thave pizza? you know, i was told there would be porkin this dish. pork has a verydistinctive smell. i don't--i don'tsmell pork. smell. could you put cheeseon some bread
with tomato sauceand heat it up? do you know what will happento my insides if i have cream? could you putmushrooms on it and make it round? smell it. do you smell pork? so-- are youseeing anyone? you mean socially?
i mean, let's nottalk about work tonight-- our goals,our aspirations, what we thinkthe news is now, and what itshould be. let's-- just have a good time. [woman scatting] [chad scattingwith singer] chad?
have you seenthe view from my window? go take a look. that's nice. no, no, no. there's an eclipse tonight. you have to go up close. go, go, go!before it's over. oh, wow. isn't astronomy amazing?
i mean, skies so vast, romantic. i'm overwhelmed. [whispering]dang it. [intense techno music] anythingi can do? can i get youanything else, sir? cheese? excuse me.
what's the differencebetween the mexican sea bass and thesea bass special? the mexican sea basshas a moustache. good evening. [sighing]what a night. uh, can i get youa drink, sir? whitney? whateveryou're having. wine?
great. what do yousuggest? uh, this bordeauxis nice. what's it like? well, it's not exactlymy kind of body. it's a little thinfor some, but a nice shape. i mean, you know,if you want to spend the money. [whispering]i'll kill you. nothing.
okay, we'll havethat wine you suggested, and can you bring usa bottle of water too? absolutely. (chad)thank you. you know, now i rememberthis restaurant. i have eaten here. the food is horrible. i think we should leave. the food is great.
i eat hereall the time. wait a minute. what did you order? i don't remember. could we switch tables? i've hadthis waiter before. so did you decideon what you'd like to eat? yes. yes, i have.
i'll havethe rack of lamb. excellent. madam? [whispering]i'm not hungry. well, get something,whitney. i'll havea small salad. cheap date, huh? excuse me, sir, our waiteris being very rude. i was wondering if you can havesomeone else serve us.
of course, miss. may i askwhat he's done? first of all,he winked at me. he called me cheap, and he made severallewd references. jimmy? now, i'm a reporterfor wnya, and i would haveno problem doing a little piece
on the declineof the service industry. miss, i'lltake care of it. [violin music] calm down, jimmy.i believe you. now, you ought togo over there and apologize or you're fired. simple as that. this is a serviceindustry, jimmy. grow up.
ma'am, i would liketo apologize for my conduct. if i said anythingthat offended you, i'm--i'm-- oh, i'm sorry. i just can't. i refuse to apologizeto this stuck-up hooker. i'm going to get firedeither way, so i might as welljust come clean. i don't want to tell youhow to spend money,
but if it weremy hard-earned dollar, i would want a littlemore return on my investment. hey, holdthe bus there, guy. me a whore? this pig-- this ugly, disgustingasshole is a gigolo. he tried to chargemy friend $300 for the worst sexof her life. (jimmy)your--your friend?
right, yeah, i found hersitting alone at some bar waiting forsome lonely man to take advantage of. this woman is a whore,and a lying whore at that. he's the whore! whore, whore! [both saying "whore"] [shouting continues] [snapping fingers]taxi.
you're a bastard. oh, look, lady, i don't wantto get into this with you. i would have nevergiven you away, but you had no rightto lie to my manager and say i was a gigolo. but you are a gigolo. are you insane? why would i be a gigolo? why would ibe a hooker?
you asked mefor $300. well, you asked mefor peanuts, and then you saidyou were good-- you're not a-- you mean i had sex with youfor no reason? oh, so that's whyyou wouldn't take the money. my god, i feelso violated. no wonderyou were so bad. i am not bad.
i just got all tangled up. i couldn't geta good rhythm. rhythm? that was the most inept,pathetic attempt at sex i've ever hadin my life. no wonder you hadto pay for it. i would neverpay for it! look, you just found me ata very down moment emotionally. i am incrediblesexually.
incredible. please. women, they quiverfor hours after--hours! because they'rephysically sick. okay, you know what? you're right.i'm sorry. i should bemuch kinder to you. your lifemust be very sad. i mean, even if i did thinki was picking up a hooker,
that's at least normal--i'm a guy. your predicamentis infinitely worse. i apologize, miss. for what? for all of this. i mean, if you can'tfind a man to sleep with in all of manhattanwithout paying for it, you deserveall of my pity. i could get laidlike that.
i could screw any manthat walks past right now. this guy would killto have sex with me--kill. go ahead.take him. he looksreasonably priced. you'd pay $500 for mewithout blinking. i have had sex with you,and it cost me nothing. you call that sex? i've had orgasmsthat lasted longer. i told you i wasjust off my game.
oh, right--excuses. your back hurt.the sun was in your eyes. i've heard itall before. i bet you have. you are a disgusting,unattractive, unemployed jerk. you are an unemployed, bitter,desperate, lonely, lonely woman. [air brakes hissing] you just missedyour bus. good!
[panting] (whitney)somebody's goingto hear. shut up!shut up! [both moaning and grunting] it's you. no, no, no,it's you. no, that was you. that's you.hear that? that's you. [both moaning]
yes, yes! [cat mewling] [both sighing] wow. i know. here you go. [dog barking] well, see you. [slow jazzy music]
(whitney)i like when a manlooks into my eyes when we're making love. but this is only whenyou know the person well. i mean, there's nothing worsethan someone you just met trying to make love to you... especially when they have thatreal serious look on their face like they've never felt this waybefore or something. i feel like saying, "listen, "it's just a vagina.we all have them.
"now, either wipe that pitifullook off your face, or i'm gonnatake it away, okay?" so have yousaid that out loud? i'm not that brave. [muttering softly]"not that brave." okay. [locks clacking] um, jimmy, was it good?
i mean, everythingwas correct, right? oh, no, honey,it was fantastic. jesus, jimmy,what is wrong with you? you're insatiable. i think youbetter go home now. o-okay. call me tomorrow. hey, what's up? out with the virgin?
hand job? well, at leastthere's someone there to witnessyour orgasm, right? yeah, i guess. hey, you wantto come inside? not really. you mindif we just, uh, chill out herefor a second? no, why?what's up?
nothin'. you just came over herein the middle of the night to smoke a cigaretteon my stoop? remember the gym? i kept telling youabout that guy at the gym, the guy whowon't leave me alone. no, what guy?what are you talking about? the mo. the gay guy?what about him?
i thinki just fucked him. you think youjust fucked him? i fucked him. this is too much. did it hurt? i just gave him head. i keep thinkingabout my life. when we were kidsand stuff, did you think i was...
definitely not. i think i am. well, i'm in shock. remember tracy highland? wait, what was her deal? there was something. triple nipple. oh, yeah, right. no, she was a sweet girl.
i liked her. felicia hurley. cara wexler. suzanne rosenberg. i liked 'em back then.i know i did. every nightbefore i fall asleep, i close my eyes and try and remembera different girl, you know, what color
their sweater was, whether i unhooked the brafrom the front or the back, what they smelled like. it's soothing. i want to go back. we can't go back. [door squeaking] you coming inside? uh, no, i thinkwe'll stay out here
just for a second. well, uh,turn off the lights and lock upwhen you come in. (eddie)hey, larry. i'm gay. yeah, i know. thanks, larry. he's a warm man. [jimmy sighs]
eddie oshinski is gay. look out, new york. you're beinguncharacteristicallyquiet today. i met someone. i don't wantto jinx it. well, give me something. he's hot. i mean, he is hot. that's all i can say.
well, how about you? anyone worthwhilein the picture? i have a date tonight. okay, that would qualifyas someone in the picture. what's he do? shrink. how'd you meet? in therapy. you're datingyour shrink?
well, at least i don't haveanything to hide. he knows all my foibles. whitney,that's awful. it's like playing pokeragainst someone who knowsyour entire hand. how can you ever win? it's just one date. i'll survive it. [sighs]
can we talkabout something else? i've been cutting hairfor ten years, so believe me,i know. there's nothing elseworth talking about. so now i workfor public television. it's actually much betterfor my career because i have no audienceto answer to. whitney, look at me. you know, all day long,i listen to people
complainingabout their lives. i have one client-- we'll call her ms. "x." when she first came to see me,she was a remarkable woman. mm. she had a wonderful wit. she was sarcastic. she was insightful. but nowthat charm's gone.
[mouthing words] it's buried foreveralong with her 30s and, of course,her figure. so now when she triesto be amusing and pithy, it just comes offbitter and angry. and all the single menher age, they just want younger women. so she tries to fightthe inevitable decay of life with face lifts and aerobicsand shorter skirts,
that doesn't work. she comes to see meonce a week. and near the end of every hour,she cries, and i hold her. [inhales sharply] god, her lifemust be hell, you know? here you go.you want some more wine? so... you said you hadsomething important
to talk about with me. i'm so excited,my hands are still shaking. it's okay.just--just take your time. uh, penn university presssaid that they would give me an advance on a novel. uh-huh. a novel. those are nice pearls. a novel, honey.
i know i saidi was gonna die trying to revive the short storyin american literature, but a novel. i mean, come on. it's time to take onthe whale. that's it? that's allyou're gonna say to me? yeah, why? what'd you thinki was gonna say?
well, what do you thinkabout us? about us? well, i-i think we're fine. fine? sure, we're fine, but we're not moving forward. oh, well, i-- you know, i'm certainly readyto move forward. you are?
yes, i've been readyfor, you know, quite some time. you mean marriage? marriage? what are you?nuts? dana, we haven't evenslept together. well, of coursewe haven't slept together. we're not married. i thought you knewthat's how i felt. no, uh, no, come on, dana.dana, come back.
i don't even like sex. like i was some kindof piece of meat. my mother was right. [sighs disgustedly] [door slams] i've just run outof things to say. okay, this time beforewe take off your top, say something generousabout my endowment. something generous?
yeah, pretendyou're reporting, and talk aboutmy uncanny size. all right?okay? this is gonna be good. mark, i feel ridiculous. i've had a bad experiencewith role-playing before. this isn't role-playing. come on,this is just a joke. it's fun.have fun; have fun.
if you're uncomfortable,we'll just stop, okay? okay, great.i don't feel comfortable. whitney. mark. come on, one time. one time, one time,come on. good, in five, [whispering]four, three, two, one.
you're on. this is whitney ann barnsleyreporting live from the officeof dr. mark levy. renowned psychiatristand lover, dr. levy boastsa most impressive penis. call it a shaft. his shaftis not only large but athleticand powerful as well. oh, god, very good.
okay. now, say somethingabout me as a lover. dr. levy is recognizedall over the tristate as the most talented loverto emerge in decades. women-- [mark growling] flock from all aroundthe country to perform fellatioon his amazing shaft and still, another woman,even more...shameful,
allowed this disturbed doctorinto her bedroom. fortunately, the woman was ableto come to her senses in time and not only evict himfrom the premises but fire himprofessionally. back to you, bob. (mark)who's bob? [bed creaking] i'm tired of livingin the past. i'm gonna end uplike my father.
i'm not giving upthat easily anymore. hey, dad. you in the kitchen? there's a girl's numberon the fridge. can you read itback to me? it's not here. (jimmy)it's under the magnet. i got it. can you read backthe last four digits?
6139. 6139? you sure? i have a graduate degree. [phone beeping] [phone ringing] hello? dana, it's me. look, before you say anything,
i just want to apologize. everything happened so fast. i just--i want to statefor the record that i do care about you, and i am--i am sorryif you were offended. sex is not that important to me. and i'm just hoping you're gonna give meanother chance. dana?
i'm thinking. give me a second. are you okay? you sound nasal. i have a cold. so... sex isn't important to you? god, i'm so glad to hear you say that,
because just as you called, i was on my way overbecause, well, i thought it was timethat we...make love. i guess now we can wait. yeah, i'm glad i called too. and you expect meto believe that? i hope so, dana,because it's true. what's true is that you think that i am gullible enoughto believe that
so we can kiss and make up. and then one day,because you're such a sweet and sensitive guy who doesn't care about sex, i'll think, "my god,i finally found the one. "he really loves me, "not the silly contraptionbetween my thighs, "but the real flesh-and-bones,fallible me. "how can i let a gem like thisslip away?
please, hop on.have me." but of courseyou'll politely decline because sex isn't importantto you. you're not dana. nope. but you know what? i'm a woman,and i know what women want. really,and--and what is that? [scoffs]honesty.
you know, you might find thishard to believe, but there isno greater aphrodisiac than a totally exposed truth. is that true? mm-hmm. okay, let's give this a shot. a totally exposed truth, um... my penis curvesslightly to the left. how's that?
that's not a truth.that's a deformity. try something emotional. um, emotional. i'm... afraid of dogs. i was bitten when i was a kid. that's just pathetic. try and, like, relate itto your heart. heart.
um, i've never reallybeen in love. well, not the kind of love i think i'm capable of. you know what i mean? i know what you mean. that's enough of this game. i figure if i can behonest with myself, that's enough. and you were being honestwith yourself before?
you don't care about sex? no, i was just tryingto get laid. [snickers] how long has it been? almost a year. a year? jesus, you are a trouper. i know.that's what i'm saying. i'm so desperate,
even the word vaginagives me an erection. i like that word. some women don't.i don't know why. it's a funny word,like "underpants." oh, underpantsis a fantastic word. in fact, most words that endin pants are pretty good: fancy-pants,smarty-pants, short pants. are you wearing underpantsright now? um...yeah.
well, boxers. are you? [gasps quietly] wh--what are you wearing? my watch, earrings,and cowboy boots. nothing else? well, maybe i shouldtake off my boxers. you know, just to stay even. go ahead.
[rustling noises over phone] are they off? just as god bade me. adam and eve. do you want me to talkabout the size of your penis? ugh, no. i mean, not unless you want to. i never buy into that shit. do you want me to talkabout your breasts?
see, that's the differencebetween men and women. i'm not aroused by youembellishing my cup size. no, no, no,i don't mean it like that. i mean, like, i'm...kissing your breasts and--and my tongueis running in tiny little circlesaround your areola, but not quite touchingyour nipple, which is very, very erect,by the way.
a-and then my tongue... brushes over the top of itvery gently and then again very gently. something like that? you can do that. or... i-i-i could--i could do itin an accent. mmmy toongue is toochingyour neeples. let's just keep it sane, okay?
um... so where were we? licking my nipples. right, so...i'm... swallowing your nippleswhich--which are really hard... like me. yeah. yes. continue.
so then my tongue moves lower and lower until it gets to-- (larry)you be sure to-- dad! dad? oh, jesus. [door creaks] how old are you? no, no, no--
no, don't--don't hang up. it's not what you think. i'm not a child. i'm 29. you're 29,and you live with your father? that's even worse. i feel so violated. [dial tone humming] [phone beeps]
prince charming, where the hell are you? i-i don't think we're meantfor this world. [slow instrumental music] [slow piano chords] dad. you ever miss mom? that was stupid. obviously you miss her.
what i mean is, you ever thinkabout dating again? [piano continues] so you're okay with that? you don't mind being alone? i'm not alone. you're here. right, but what i meantis if... it's just not worth it to me.
i can live without passion. i lived without sexfor over 15 years. i just don't ever want to feelthat pain again. [plays intro tobeethoven's fifth symphony] [bird wings flapping] (dee)all right, honey. now, you drive safely, and don't pick upany hitchhikers unless theyhave protection, okay?
okay, thanks.good tip. all right, you take careof yourself, sweetie. you too, sweetie. (whitney)i got a job as an anchorwoman. weekends, but it's my own spot. i think i'm gonna like arizona. strapping men with light jacketsand polo shirts. arizona is a huge loafer state. as a matter of fact,when you cross the border,
it's a law. you have to remove your socks. god, i'm 28 years old. my life is changing so fastthat if you told me by next year i'd be livingin maine married to a whaler working as a jell-o womanin the high school cafeteria, i'd believe you. and what's even sadder, i don't think i'd mind.
hi, alex. no, i don't thinki can make it. no, i still have, like,a zillion things to do. (alex)listen, honey, i knowonce you load up your car and you leave for texas-- arizona? whatever. i'm not going to see you againfor the rest of my life. you'll die.i'll die.
and we'll be buriedthousands of miles apart. i'm not being dramatic. i'm being realistic. you'll come? listen, could you get some potfrom your friend? oh, well, come anyway. shit. i can't believei have to do this.
oh, relax.it was a nice thing to do. you knowi fucking hate parties. look, he went to a lotof trouble to do this, so you know, come on,don't be an asshole. just act surprised. it doesn't work. shhhhh! (all)surprise! [all giggling]
are you surprised? are you kidding? i just...wet myself. [light laughter] now, go top the cake. no one hereknows how to do it. listen,it's my friend. it's his birthday. we have to go.
why can't we goto my friend's party? 'cause your friend'snot having a party. he's invited a bunchof other kids over to smoke pot with himin the woods. and besides, i'm not goingto another party where every half houryour underage friends make me goon a beer run. why do you makesuch a big deal out of it? you have good i.d.
you know,i don't have good i.d. i have i.d. i'm 28 years old. i can't waitto go to college. yeah, you know what? i can't wait for youto go to college either. maybe then you'll startappreciating me. wait till all thosepimply-faced frat boys try to feel you up.
so you know howto eat one of these? there she is. you are lucky you made it,young lady. i'm dying for youto meet him. gorgeous. what's with the goatee? oh, my chinis a catastrophe. say hello to whitney. hello, whitney.
go over there. you're bothering me. look at this face. would you lookat this face? get off. nice to meet you. i know he'scheating on me. come on.we need a drink. all right,but i can't drink.
i really haveto hit the road. one drink. i have to seewho he's talking to. will you make mea vodka and cranberry? oh, i'm sorry.go ahead. no-- i couldn't slip out of town without one last reminderof my life at rock bottom. sorry?what was that?
so did you-- yeah, well, you-- sorry.go ahead. no, go ahead. um, i was just gonna ask whether you were ableto get another job. you mean otherthan streetwalking? i didn't wantto speculate. yes, i did,thank you.
and you? i'm sorry.i wasn't thinking. were you hired to pourthis drink for me? here for a friend. mm-hmm. you know what's amazing? what's amazing? you and iare basically strangers in the grand schemeof things, and yet of all the womeni've known, dated, whatever,
weirdly, you... are the one i'm gonna rememberfor the rest of my life. well, maybe that'sour curse, a punishmentfor our indiscretion. it could've been worse,i suppose. for you, yes,a lot worse. for me... it's pretty bad. fair enough.
uh, you got a--a bit. huh? right there. uh, uh-- what is it? um, here,can i get it? get it? oh, it might bepart of you. [glass shattering]
(alex)stupid, bald mexican? twinkie. you were kissing him. i was whispering something,you moron. well, what wereyou whispering? i was telling himwhat a little dick you have. [sighs disgustedly] get out. both of you,get out!
how rude. i can't believe that. what's he want from me? you knowwhat i was whispering? i was telling some guy that leo's girlfriend'sstill in high school. the little queerpunches me in the nose. what a nut. here.
i-i can't believehe's that jealous. i was just talkingto the guy. (jamey)can we go tomy friend's party now? you don't own me.i'm going. jamey,get over here. no! don't make mesay it again. ugh! i'm sick of how you treat melike a little girl.
that's it.we're breaking up. i want my freedomfor senior year. bye, leo. jamey. jamey! well, you can forgetabout the prom. (jimmy)do you remembercarol borkovich? (leo)no. was she that harelip girl
who let you see her nakedfor a buck? no, that wassusie kelberg. she was hot. i can rememberher perfectly. carol borkovich used to livenext door to me. this was years ago. i was maybe ten. i'm talking back when my folkswere still together. our houses faced each other,
and her windowlooked out over mine. boy, she was beautiful, just a drop-dead gorgeouseight-year-old. blondewith these really wide eyes. i mean, not too wideso she looked like a fish, but wide. anyway, every night we talkedto each other for hours through the screensabout everything we knew, which, i guess, at that age,didn't really amount to much,
but the game was,whoever fell asleep first lost. and every night,i would just pass out to the soundof carol borkovich's voice. and then the next morning, i'd wake upand look out the window, and i knew i'd lost. anyway, then one day,i came home from school, and she was gone. the whole familyhad packed up and left.
she didn't tell meshe was leaving, but she left a noteon my pillow that said, "jimmy, "when we're old enough, "we'll get married. carol borkovich." never saw her again, but not a day goes bywhen i don't think of her. whenever i'm feeling lonely
or i just want to indulgein a little self-pity, i think, "somewhere out there, carol borkovichis waiting for me." so anyway, about two months ago,i was getting all depressed spending way too much timewith my old man. uh-oh. [slurps] i figured, you know,enough of this bullshit. i'm gonna track downcarol borkovich
and get married. so i call the school, and i ask if they havea forwarding address. and then i callthe local school in the area that she movedand say i'm an old friend. could they check their files? and after 20 years, it took me all of three hoursto track down carol borkovich. you found her?
well, i know where she is,at least. flagstaff, arizona, six feet under. she died a year after she moved. little girl knew she was sickthe whole time. it's probably why shedidn't want to go to sleep. i have wasted18 years of my life because i believedin a fairy tale.
because somewherein the back of my mind, i genuinely believed i was gonnaend up with carol borkovich. you never told meabout her. never told anyone. (eddie)so why now? i guess i'm beginningto figure out things i should've figured outa long time ago. (leo)like what? like ten-year-old lovedoesn't really exist
unless you're ten years old. i mean, who knowswho's right for anybody? the world's more complicatedthan that. i mean, who would've thoughtthat you'd get your heart broken by a 17-year-old, leo? or you, by a man? look, i'm not smart enoughto figure it out, but i can tell you this much. next time i meet somebodythat i like
that i think i could care about, i'm not gonna let themget away so easily. it took me 20 yearsto figure out carol borkovich is dead. that's a lot of wasted time. i really haveto get going now. are yougonna be okay? oh, i'll be fine. i'm better offwithout him.
i liked himtoo much. i'll find someonei like less, and i'll be ableto keep my sanity. it's easierthat way. now, i hate good-byes,so when we stop hugging, you walk through the doorand don't look back. alex, take-- ah! bye, alex.
[car alarm chirps] arizona. [turn signal clicking] [birds squawking] so what happens to the peoplewho never fall in love? you never hear about them. [radio static hissing] [tires screech] (jimmy)whoa!
oh, no. what happened? i hit youwith my car. on purpose? of course not. are you all right? um, yeah. i think so. well, let me take youto the hospital.
no, no, no,i'm fine, really. seriously. well, let metake you home. you should really keepthe ice on. yeah, it's--it's freezing. i feel fine now. well, i have tohit the road. i got a job asan anchorwomanin flagstaff. yeah, you know it?
uh, no, i just know someonewho moved there. you know,it's pretty late. if you want,you could just stay here and then leavein the morning. oh, thanks, but i reallygot to get going. is this you? (jimmy)yeah. [chuckles] i have one just like this.
where was this taken? uh, prospect park. this is too weird. hold on.i got to show you something. [car door slams] [alarm chirps] [door creaking] i thought i heardsomeone else. yeah, she's gone.
another one gone? you know, i havethis pit in my stomach, and i don't know why. i mean,it might be because i got hitby a car last night, but... i'm a little scaredi made a mistake by letting her get away. so go after her.
i can't. she moved.she's gone. [door creaking] never works out likeyou think it will, does it? [dishes clatter] i, um,forgot my purse. how long have youbeen standing there? did you hear mesay that-- just for, like, a minute.
oh, that's embarrassing. (whitney)not as embarrassing as driving four hours away and realizingyou forgot your purse. debatable. uh, here. w-where do you think it is? yeah, i thinki left it over here. do you wanta cup of coffee?
i'm real behind now. i have to takethis job. but otherwise,i think that-- no, i-i understand. here, let me. well, see ya. bye. this mightsound strange, but what the hell?
do you want to gofor a drive? what do you mean? i'm not sure. maybe we coulddrive together, figure it outwhen we get there. y-you mean to arizona? are you serious? look, if itdoesn't work out, i'll just pull over
and leave you on the sideof the road somewhere. well, gee,that sounds fair. just--just like this? well, you can grabsome clothes if you want, but i think the longerthat we have to think about it, the less appealingit will seem. how aboutjust a toothbrush? good idea. what's this?
a few things,some t-shirts, jeans. a couple pairof short pants. um, i'll call you when--when i know... uh, thanks, but i got it from here. i'm jimmy. was that your dad? did he sayshort pants?
yeah, isn't thata great word? (whitney)well, it's almostas good as-- [together]underpants. (jimmy)underpants is a fantastic word. in fact, most words that endin pants are pretty terrific: fancy-pants,smarty-pants. you got your-- (whitney)wait, wait, wait. where have i heard this before?
[upbeat pop music] (man)♪ she said,"where have i seen you before? ♪ ♪ "if youdidn't like that one, ♪ ♪ "well, i got about 20 more. ♪ ♪ "i need a mack diggedy daddy,take me out in his caddy. ♪ ♪ "we can kick it till ♪ ♪ the briggedy, briggedybreak of dawn." ♪ ♪ oh, man, is she coming over? ♪ ♪ i gotta get this showon the road. ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪ ♪ hold my handbecause i ain't about ♪ ♪ the wham bam,thank you, ma'am. ♪ ♪ i hope ya understand that. ♪ ♪ i don't want britneytonight, ♪ ♪ and salma,yeah, she's all right. ♪ ♪ i've seen buffy,and she don't slay me, ♪ ♪ 'cause, baby,you're just the type, ♪ ♪ stay upand talk to all night. ♪
♪ would you be the starin my storybook life? ♪ ♪ in my storybook life? ♪ ♪ i drove her home, and shewas feeling kinda frisky. ♪ ♪ i told her nighty-night, ♪ ♪ and then she askedif she could kiss me. ♪ ♪ oh, god,she's losin' control now. ♪ ♪ so i said,"i just want someone to hold." ♪ ♪ mariah, she ain't for me. ♪ ♪ that brunette on v.i.p., ♪
♪ she don't holda candle to you, ♪ captioning by jessie and kristiat captionmaxwww.captionmax.com ♪ baby, you're just the type ♪ ♪ i can talk to all night. ♪ ♪ be the starin my storybook life. ♪ ♪ sabrina, felicity, ♪ ♪ meg ryan,i won't lose sleep. ♪ ♪ you can keepyour halle berry, ♪ ♪ 'cause, baby,you're just the type ♪
♪ for the show mrs. right. ♪ ♪ you can be the starin my storybook life, ♪ ♪ in my storybook life. ♪ ♪ this is my storybook life. ♪ ♪ "where havei seen you before? ♪ ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪ ♪
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